Veiled secrets

How many times have you watched Star Wars and thought, "what if..." - what if this had happened, or that had been different?

No, don't tell me.

I present to you... drumroll please... the Top Ten of Improbable Yet Not Impossible Alternative Truths of The Star Wars Galaxy...

10. Jar-Jar has been working for Sidious all along, actually being a spy called Jarren "Bad" Smimm.

9. Mace Windu has actually been fathered by Yoda, but sadly he did not inherit the green Master's sense of humour.

8. Throughout most of the saga, R2D2 stuggled with his hidden oil bath addiction.

7. If Ewoks are nurtured with the right vitamins, they turn out to be Wookiees.

6. Amongst the members of the Jedi Council it was a well-known secret that Master Ki-Adi-Mundi used muscle boosters, responsible for his large forehead.

5. Rather than using the Force, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader commonly communicated by text messages (and smoke signals on Tatooine).

4. Jabba the Hutt had tried several diets, but his dietitian swore his habit of eating large amounts of living creatures nullified any effect. Jabba naturally ate this dietitian and decided on an "I look better with slave girls in metal bikinis"-lifestyle.

3. Twi'leks are Nautolans who tore out all but two of their "tentacles".

2. The Millenium Falcon has been constructed, rather hastily, from the remains of several battle droids, two protocol droids, a captured ysalamir and half a Republic Cruiser - including its crew.

And finally, number 1: Darth Maul had a large collection of dark robes, because his hoods kept getting shredded by his horns.

Movie tip

Letters to the divine being

Some kids are scary. 'Nuff said.

Par tay in the cantina

Strike back

That's right, it's Jay and Silent Bob.

On my blog.

I guess you must be wondering, "why, DF, why?" Well, it's quite simple really. Very, very simple.

But I'm not going to tell you.

Have you ever seen Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back? No? You should.

But get high first. That way you'll enjoy it, your dealer will enjoy it, and in the end, your addiction will have to be treated by a professional, who'll also enjoy it.

Plus of course the maker and producer of the film, the film company guys, the actors, the cameramen, the stuntcrew (they had stuntguys? for what?), and generally everyone else in the world will benefit, since your acceptance of cannabis has such influences on other people that they will smoke it too, and everyone will be cool and relaxed and not make war, but probably won't make love either - I'm not gonna explain, just listen.

Oh, and the reason I posted these guys? 'Cause they're cool. And 'cause I wanna.

No, not because I got high. Honestly.

Honestly!

*

Your own personal evil

I hope you all had a nice Valentine; mine certainly was.

Today I'd like to discuss "evil". Evil is bad, wrong, corrupt, rotten - right? Everybody seems to know, instinctively or by learning, what evil is, yet when one tries to define it, one can't. Evil is different for different people.

Evil, like good, is a point of view.

One person's death is another's bread, says a Dutch proverb and while this is obviously the case for undertakers, it's still true on a less morbid level. One sport team's defeat is another's victory. Granted, that defeat might not be "evil", but how about a war?

The majority of soldiers see the enemy as evil. Of course this is a necessity, for you can't fight someone you like and agree with, but the majority of the population sees the enemy as evil and wrong, too. There is an automatic response of interpreting one's own values as better and more noble. The misguided emotion known as "patriotism" is one form of this; people who voice their disagreements are seen as traitors to the country.

However, they can't all be right. How can both sides to an argument, to a war, be "right"? At least one of them is wrong, and probably both of them. Plus, there is the very real possibility that there is no right or wrong.

Like "wrong" is defined by "right", so is "evil" defined by "good". Evil begins where good ends; without evil there is no good. Evil needs good.

And good needs evil.

This view is symbolized by the yin and yang: one half is white and one half is black. They define each other. Eastern philosophy acknowledges the fact that evil cannot be exterminated - not without eliminating good. Without evil, there is no good - without the Dark Side there would not be a Light Side; without villains there are no heroes; without night there is no day.

Yet ironically, evil and good are points of view, and therefore they do not exist in reality. Don't get fooled by the zealous religious: evil is all inside our heads. And it needs goodness in there, too.

*

Soapblogs politics

Politics again - I swear it won't be boring. Well, I'll try.

Politics. What do you envision? A room filled with old men in grey suits talking and discussing? Young people locked in an epic battle of words? Puppets that dance for money? Leaders that decide how we should live our lives?

Regardless of where you live, there will always be politicians. Some of them cruel and selfish - we call them either "dictators" or "corrupt" - and some of them dedicated and selfless - we call them either "good" or "naive". Some will be self-appointed, others elected democratically. Some will be good and tactical, others blunt and offensive; some will do what the people want, some will do what the people need, and others will do whatever the hell they want.

Life is politics. Better learn it.

Democracy is said to be the best form of government, and I have a slight tendency to agree. Slight, yes. Because what democracy is currently coupled with is bureaucracy and layer upon layer of government agencies and endless debates over small matters.

Democracy is not these things. Democracy means the people have the power - literally. Like I argued in my last political blog, this power is entrusted to a small group of people expected to wield it in the best interest of all. That is what democracy, in its core, is.

What has happened over the centuries in most democratic countries, though, is that an increasing amount of people are represented by the same, unchanged amount of politicians, and an increasing amount of people do not feel represented by those politicians. This also works the other way: increasingly, politicians are forced to promote themselves and their sometimes impopular policies to the people, and pass popular laws that are not necessarily in the best interest of people. After all, the masses do not always know what is best - it's not their job, they're just the people who have put the government in charge.

People do not feel represented or even taken seriously by their governments. I feel this is because there are too many layers of government and that too few views are communicated to the audience through multimedia. Many political parties are rarely talked about on tv - intentional or not - whereas others are regular guests.

Governments should be more local than (inter)national and should be able to communicate directly with its people, as well as get things done quickly. Like the milkman regularly comes by to deliver his milk, so the politician should regularly come by to communicate about local issues. A small community with similar thoughts on matters - a hippy community, or a racist community, or a communist community, or even an anarchistic community. Likeminded people, with no need for debates in which neither side will ever give in.

Or, we could just create everyone equal using genetic engineering. And create a thought police to guard any rebel thoughts and use video surveallance cameras called "big brother" to watch you.

Hey, too much democracy can lead to a totalitarian regime. A people's regime.

*

Another shocking SW revelation!

Next gen Star Wars

I'm here to rescue you... honest!

So as I was crashing through the window in my X-wing, I was -

Wait, you're probably oblivious to what the hell I'm talking about. Nevermind, then. You should've been there.

So what can I show you today? No, ladies, that's private. Yes, that too. Good try, though. No, miss, in that picture Artoo Detoo does NOT look like a - I know, but it isn't. And neither is that Jawa doing anythi- you perv. How dare you? Go hither and multiply, or something. Geez.

As I was saying: what can I show you today? You tell me. What do you want to see? Tell me. Anything.

(This offer is only available today, Tuesday 30 January 2007 West European time, and does not imply any action will be taken by the dragon in question unless you really really try hard to convince him that it is, indeed, the right thing to do, included but not limited to listen to you and to act upon any request. Financial or medical consequences for eye damage due to reading this small font will not be compensated in any way. )

Fine print if ever there was any.

Come on, bring me that request! Want me to bring down a regime? Want me to expose Bigfoot? Show the first astromech? Reveal a Jawa's face?

Show you the real me?

Your choice! Choose wisely. Be careful what you wish for - you just might get it.

Star Wars Reinterpreted

Mah nah mah nah...

I hate progress

Today I switched my Blogger account.

Such a simple statement, such a simple action. But trust me, a lot of effort has gone into trying to avoid this moment.

There are a couple of group blogs I'm a member of, most notably the Fanfic Blog, and they have not switched yet. Therefore I had the intention to stay "old school" until the moment they upgraded. However, I had not foreseen the powers of persuasion that Blogger can excercise. Very powerful indeed.

Today I tried to post a blog. I don't even remember on which site. However, upon logging in, I was notified that I have not switched yet. I know this. However, where there had previously been an option to continue with the old account, was none to be found.

I had to switch, or I wouldn't be able to blog.

Power of persuasion. Or forced decisions? Either way, I decided my blog was more important that Blogger politics. I switched. I don't know if I made the right decision, but at least I'm able to blog again. Over here. Not on the old group blogs.

I hate progress.

Scratch that, I hate forced progress. Change can be good, but may occasionally be bad for the changed. I don't know whether this will be good or bad. I say, let's find out.

No turning back now. You have passed the point of no return. It's all or nothing. You're in for the ride, for better or worse.

Here goes nothing.

Dragon business, back to your drinks...

It's a hard life, being a dragon on the internet. I know you don't believe me, but it is.

I mean, it's so hard to keep your own identity between all those competitors. Have you ever tried googling "dragon"? Trust me, I won't be on any of the first 700 pages.

There's too much competition on the web. How is a simple dragon, trying to make his way on the net, to get the attention he craves? It's dragon overdose, I tell you.

Plus all my friends get slain by knights in shiny armour. Don't you hate it when that happens? And they never even bury the bones; I mean, that's just gross. And they call themselves civilized. Yeah, sure.

The only good part about this job is the treasure. And you know it, not all treasure is silver and gold. The maidens in distress - that's my true motivation right there. Long flowing strands of golden hair, with a face like an angel, and a voice that goes "eeeeeeh" when you even look at them. Life's good when you've got maidens. Just too bad they keep trying to escape when you're taking a nap. Perhaps it's time to contact that evil stepmother again, to place some more curses so I have to "guard" those lovely ladies in that remote fortress. Well, last time didn't end so great, so I might have to think twice.

And scaring horses is always funny. Just too bad their owners keep on sending those slayers. I hate dragon slayers. If there's one thing I hate more than kids thinking they can ride on my back...

Last of all, I'm having a very hard time typing the words right with these massive claws. It takes hours just completing a sentence without accidentally typing "jessljkjklsdjkdf".

The hidden tortures of being a dragon on the internet in the year 2007. Please love me more now. I'll not eat you, no matter what they say. Just small bites every now and then.

How To Become A Goth In 10 Easy Steps

To become that icon of style, that rolemodel of vampires and corpses alike, follow these ten simple rules and you'll live the rest of your undead life as a certified goth!

Step 1: Dye your hair. Black. Other colours, like red, white or green, take many years of experience and must never be combined with anything other than black clothes (see step 2). Highlights are acceptable if the colours are not too flashy.

Step 2: Change your wardrobe. Black is your new middle name. Colour must be avoided at all costs, with the exception of dark red. White is only acceptable if it makes up less than 5% of your total look. Anything that would be fitting for a Romanticistic noble(wo)man, if black, is acceptable. Combine this with anything from modern S&M, like chains on your trousers or handcuffs connected to a collar.

Step 3: Change your record collection. Throw out the Beach Boys, the Spice Girls, the Beasty Boys, and everything else that has "boys" or "girls" in it. Anything that is remotely cheerful has got to go. Instead, buy Cradle of Filth, Evanescence, Marilyn Manson and Bad Religion. Anything that has a weird name, looks weird, sounds like someone clearing their throat and which your parents will never ever accept in the living room.

Step 4: Throw your morals out the window, too. Being a goth means you're a slut (male/female). Consider it your only chance at getting laid looking like that.

Step 5: Paint your nails. Yes, this goes for guys too - in fact, you're lucky, since this is probably the only subculture to accept it besides the local transvestites. Black is again the colour to choose.

Step 6: Paint your face. As surprising as it may be, it'll not be black, but white. Imagine you've been indoors without seeing the sun for a very very long time - which is probably true.

Step 7: Additional makeup includes eyelashes (black), dyed eyebrows (black), and lipstick (black - or, if you're a real pro, red). This is not mandatory for guys, but encouraged. Dark eyes are compulsary, though. Coloured contact lenses are optional for both male and female.

Step 8: Get pierced. You know, those pieces of metal through skin - they go into every part of you that one can imagine. And I know you can imagine quite many places. Yes, including that and those. At the very least, have a ring in your nose or eyebrow - preferably both, connected by a silvery chain. But know that there is no such thing as "too many piercings". And yes, people will find out (see step 4).

Step 9: Act like you're high on cannabis - which is probably true. This means you criticize and complain about everything (particularly physical exercise), sit around all day doing nothing, and talk at great length about next to nothing.

And finally, step 10: You talk, think, sing, act and write about only one thing: death. It is the sole topic of conversation. Celebrate it, adore it, worship it, fear it, overcome it - your life evolves around death. And the best thing is that you even look like it.

You are now a certified goth!

But don't cheer - goths don't cheer.


***
P.S. I did write a serious piece on goths, located here.

Power to the people

Fundamentally, governments exist to serve and protect their people. The basis of democratic government is that people choose some men and women from their midst to make decisions, so that these can be made quickly and pragmatically. In this way, governments, or rather their members, are elected because they stand for what the people want. That's what we call "democracy".

It is not democratic, however, for a government to stay in office when a majority is against it. A change in policy would be, but you can't expect a conservative to work on progressive policies, so the most logical thing to do would be to withdraw and organize new elections. And not to hide behind some bureaucratic rules about "ending your term", just because some other government at some other time thought that would be the responsible thing to do.

A referendum must be created, that can force a government to step down.

However, the trouble doesn't end there. These new elections - the ultimate democratic process, say you? A puppet show, says I.

How much of either party's points of view do you know and remember from the last election in your country? In any country? And how much have you heard about how good/bad/reliable/unreliable any candidate is? And, be honest, have you considered voting for someone that is not the pretty posterboy/girl?

Look deeper. Think for yourself. Take charge.

Viva la revolución!

Up for a challenge?

May I please point your attention this way, to the event of the year, the ultimate clash of the titans?

Or not.

But please, if you are interested, and I'm guessing you are, you might be interested in the Fanfiction Challenge 2007 over on Fanfic For Bloggers. I'll be both the host and one of the competing writers. If you have a work to contribute and you're not (yet) a member, contact me and I'll see what I can do. And if you're not a writer, you can at least have a good time reading all the other stuff.

Trust me, it's gonna be good. Like chocolate, but better.

On my voicemail the other day...

Goth the life

Somehow I've managed to not talk about one of my other fascinations. That is shocking to me, since it's possibly an even bigger obsession than Star Wars and blogging together. I know, it's that bad.

I've always been a fan of fantasy and the line between reality and makebelieve is one I find very interesting indeed. And as macabre as it may sound, the role death plays in that.

Sounds creepy? I bet. But I've always been fascinated by so-called "gothic novels" and the gothic subculture.

And vampires.

Vampires and the goth lifestyle are often associated, for obvious reasons. Goth wear black clothes, often oldfashioned style, dye their hair black and pale their faces. The resemblance to an undead corpse isn't that farfetched.

However, both vampires and goths are often misinterpreted. When talking about vampires, people quickly start to talk about stakes, garlic and full moons. Full moons? That's werewolves for you. Their ancient enemy. But vampires are fascinating. I once did an essay on them, and discovered that although cultures around the world have their own sort of vampires - just like dragons - they are all just a bit different.

So what defines a vampire?

Is it being a walking corpse? Nah, some cultures believe in vampires that have nonhuman origins, or no origin in life at all. Is it the human appearance? Nah, some believe in vampires made of flames. Is it the seducing aspect? Nah, some vampires are just plain gross. Kind of like zombies.

Is it the blooddrinking? There are some creatures that do not drink blood, yet they are most definately vampires.

So what defines a vampire?

And what defines a goth?

Goth, in my opinion, is misinterpreted by many people, even goths. Does that sound ridiculous? I'm sure. But please realize just how many people just try to fit in, even in such small and remarkable groups. However, misunderstanding is more common amongst those who are not gothics.

I once had a conversation with a religious woman who had read about goths, yet she never had encountered any. She was appalled, yet fascinated. Of course the article, in a christian magazine, was not too objective, and often reminded readers that some goths deny god, or are satanists. And I explained, that the essence of goth is not that.

Goth, in essence, is a philosophical view of life, in which death is acknowledged as the ultimate certainty. Every being is subject to death, human and animal alike, and also angels, demons and gods. Goths are not religious by that view, since they do not see any god or devil as mightier than death. Satanists are not gothics.

However, the misunderstanding stems from that view of death. Many people think gothics are fascinated by death, yet the opposite is true. In accepting the finality of death, gothics take more pleasure in life.

Gothics enjoy life on a more conscious level than most of us.

I know there are people that call themselves goths and disagree with this. But in essence, this is what gothic is all about. Misunderstanding comes from too few explanations from the gothic subculture, but also because people don't bother to look under the eerie surface.

I would call myself gothic if it wasn't for the fact that I don't wear makeup. I do like dark medieval-looking clothes, and I love the silvery jewelry with pentacles and such. I am not fascinated by death, yet I am fascinated by vampires. The nightstalking undead, caught between their previous lives and the death they cannot reach. The ultimate exception to the ultimate truth.

Please don't look down on goths ever again.

Booze and boobs

So I was thinking, like, seriously... I uhm... This thought... Did you ever... Let's talk about... no...

Oh, screw the text. I just needed an excuse to post this picture. Lovely ladies. With beer. What more could a guy want?

Yes, except food. But Germans have very good food.













Yes, right there. Big pints of lager.