What I want

You asked me what I want from you, and I got confused. What do I want from you?

Apparently I have been giving mixed signals at best, and no signals at worst, since we married. As if a sense of “we’ve got her, no need to put in any effort anymore” has become the norm. 

I don’t want that. But I also cannot, in true honesty, claim that I have been completely innocent of that accussation. 

As a partner, I have been taking you for granted. As a friend. As a woman, perhaps even as the mother to our child. It was never my intention, but it happened somewhere along the way. 

So what do I want from you?

It is difficult for me to feel what I feel, and what I want; I know that now. And such a big question deserves honest answers, so I will begin my search within here, on these virtual pages. 

I want, no, I need you to be ruthfully honest with me about my flaws and the things I need to improve. Especially when it hurts, because that means it is true and without you I would never have known or be confronted by that flaw or personal failure. 

I need to share laughs with you. Yes, it is a defense mechanism that at times prevents me from facing issues, but it is also my coping, our bond, and sometimes the only bright spot amongst the troubles. 

I want you to be proud of me. Of the husband I am, your lover, your friend. Proud of what I do to help you in ways both large and small, of what I do for others, of what I do for me. This is a selfish want, I will readily admit, and a lot of this is me needing to be proud of myself, but there are times when I feel that I disappointed you for reasons I cannot fathom, and it is the worst feeling I have had. I want to make you proud, I want to see the sparkle in your eyes when you look upon me. 

Which, I guess, is once again about me and what I need to do. Work for your love and affection. 

Once again I have turned myself around and not answered your question. Let me try again. 

I want you to kiss me back when we wake up and when we go to sleep.

I want you to feel pleasure from our intimacy, building up from experiences we both gain and from listening to each other. 

I want to share your joy and your pain. Your pleasure, your hurt, your sorrows, so that your pain lessens and your joy expands. 

I want to go out and do things together; hobbies, going to restaurants, visit museums, spend time both as a family and as a couple. 

You and me. Getting back to us, not just as parents or accidental roommates, but taking time for each other and bringing joy and light. 

And I realize that there is much to do on my part. 

I want to do this. I need to. For the sake of you, of me, and of us.