Tuesday, 23 January 2007

How To Become A Goth In 10 Easy Steps

To become that icon of style, that rolemodel of vampires and corpses alike, follow these ten simple rules and you'll live the rest of your undead life as a certified goth!

Step 1: Dye your hair. Black. Other colours, like red, white or green, take many years of experience and must never be combined with anything other than black clothes (see step 2). Highlights are acceptable if the colours are not too flashy.

Step 2: Change your wardrobe. Black is your new middle name. Colour must be avoided at all costs, with the exception of dark red. White is only acceptable if it makes up less than 5% of your total look. Anything that would be fitting for a Romanticistic noble(wo)man, if black, is acceptable. Combine this with anything from modern S&M, like chains on your trousers or handcuffs connected to a collar.

Step 3: Change your record collection. Throw out the Beach Boys, the Spice Girls, the Beasty Boys, and everything else that has "boys" or "girls" in it. Anything that is remotely cheerful has got to go. Instead, buy Cradle of Filth, Evanescence, Marilyn Manson and Bad Religion. Anything that has a weird name, looks weird, sounds like someone clearing their throat and which your parents will never ever accept in the living room.

Step 4: Throw your morals out the window, too. Being a goth means you're a slut (male/female). Consider it your only chance at getting laid looking like that.

Step 5: Paint your nails. Yes, this goes for guys too - in fact, you're lucky, since this is probably the only subculture to accept it besides the local transvestites. Black is again the colour to choose.

Step 6: Paint your face. As surprising as it may be, it'll not be black, but white. Imagine you've been indoors without seeing the sun for a very very long time - which is probably true.

Step 7: Additional makeup includes eyelashes (black), dyed eyebrows (black), and lipstick (black - or, if you're a real pro, red). This is not mandatory for guys, but encouraged. Dark eyes are compulsary, though. Coloured contact lenses are optional for both male and female.

Step 8: Get pierced. You know, those pieces of metal through skin - they go into every part of you that one can imagine. And I know you can imagine quite many places. Yes, including that and those. At the very least, have a ring in your nose or eyebrow - preferably both, connected by a silvery chain. But know that there is no such thing as "too many piercings". And yes, people will find out (see step 4).

Step 9: Act like you're high on cannabis - which is probably true. This means you criticize and complain about everything (particularly physical exercise), sit around all day doing nothing, and talk at great length about next to nothing.

And finally, step 10: You talk, think, sing, act and write about only one thing: death. It is the sole topic of conversation. Celebrate it, adore it, worship it, fear it, overcome it - your life evolves around death. And the best thing is that you even look like it.

You are now a certified goth!

But don't cheer - goths don't cheer.


***
P.S. I did write a serious piece on goths, located here.

56 comments:

Anonymous said...

I will follow those tips well.I may try the colour thing when I have experience,like you said.Well done on this site.

Death be with you.
Would pink be an pink artist to listen to?

Alexandra(remorseless) said...

Luv ur tips.I am a bit of a goth,and they will help me to be even more of a goth.
Thank you for writing this.

My goth name is remorseless,as it says,but if you want one,type in 'Goth name generator' on you local search engine.

Reaper said...

Aren't goths not supposed to fear death they aren't supposed to fear anything

Anonymous said...

Do you even have any idea what goth is about? Cradle of Filth, Evanescence, Marilyn Manson and Bad Religion? none of these are goth. Bauhaus, sisters of mercy, the cure-those are goth.
nearly all goths are quite moral so your slut thing is rubbish. high on cannabis? most of us are against drugs. and we can (AND DO) smile. we accept death, we don't worship it!
pathetic conformist...
try using something other than media stereotypes.

DragonFang said...

Have you ever heard of a little thing called "irony"? ;)

Anonymous said...

yes i have heard of irony. but most people can't tell what is and isn't ironic about goths. we have a bad enough reputation (for no reason) as it is. don't spread stuff like this! it only leads to more sophie lancaster style cases...

DragonFang said...

You did see that I posted this nearly 3 years ago, right? All this time, there have been goths. Not a single thing I do or say will change that. If a person changes his/her mind about goths because of what someone with a blog says, they were not true goths anyway. Because true goths choose their goth ways based on their personal beliefs instead of what other people say about them.

DragonFang said...

Besides, I did include a link to some more serious goth stuff.

Anonymous said...

actual goths won't care-agreed.
i was talking about other people who haven't got a clue (quite a lot of people)
didn't see the other link

DragonFang said...

link

Anonymous said...

Isn't this a punk look not a goth, goths arn't vampirific. My lil' sisters step mum is a proffesional goth model, She dosn't ave piercings. She wears Lace, dresses, corsetts ect.

Anonymous said...

ha ha my goth name is ravenous slut

bef_mcrobb said...

I all ways wanted my goth name to be Raven. I tried the gothnamegenerator.com and it came up with raven

Anonymous said...

Um... i think i might try to be a goth but i'm not 100% sure yet
i'm not going in for the sluty thing though! Definately not!

step 1:
i have dark hair already
step 2:
i own no pink and will not touch the colour
step 3:
i don't own any shiny happy trash
i own rock, hard rock, etc

am i goth?

Anonymous said...

Ah, perfect! Now I can know how to act like a total poser!

DragonFang said...

ROTFLMAO :)

Anonymous said...

i am goth and i aint a poset i love death you need not to fear what awaits in the afterlife

GOTH JUNIOR said...

i am 11 would u still advise me to die my hair

DragonFang said...

I would advise you (and everyone else) to never believe anything you read on the internet, except when your parents, friends, teachers and possibly the voices inside your head say the same thing.

Freya said...

i think that everybody thinks goth is when we look at somebody on the TV and think....DIE DIE DIE!but that isnt goth at all face it thats an evil instinct.its not evil when its on the news and somebodys one somthing unforgivable. i mean to be a goth throwing away your emotions isnt right thats emo its like throwing your soul away. to be a goth you have no fear of life or death you think on and dont care about what people think of you.dont poison yoursealf with drugs and dont even think about being a slut.you can dress goth but not like expose your sealf with a load of paint and nails on yourself.wear maybe jean shorts with black netting tights black sparkly leg warmers and black lace shoes.a red and black fake diamond T-shirt with guns and roses on or no fear on it. maybe netting gloves red or black. jean jaket, red, black and grey alice band with a ribbon. for your face a red lipstick, a light grey eyeshadow or purple (purple is better), black eyeliner, black mascara. also if you want clip on black or red hair extensions but dont go extreme and dye your hole hair!

freya said...

will somebody answer me or are you scared that i have proved you wrong about goths?!

DragonFang said...

Irony. It's not just a word.

Who did you expect a reply from, anyway?

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to die after you cry

Anonymous said...

actually are GOTHS all black people n since im an indian wer do i get all the goth jwellery??????
coz i tried surfing on the net but couldnt find anything
is it necessary to pierce cant v wear a press thing ?????
n in the end -"ALL GOTHS ROCK"

Anonymous said...

thanks for the tips now i am a total goth.


may death be with you

Gwen said...

This is a fucking messed up article, almost every single word is wrong!!!! *flips off

Gwen said...

ugh

kevin blumer said...

sounds a mutch beter way of going on ive been a country boy for far to long face painiting sounds fun

Anonymous said...

look can u help me because i wanna be a goth but i 11 how can i become one
also i wanna be a goth because live is cheep but death is free :(

DragonFang said...

No, I cannot help you with that. This article is ironic, and not serious. Please find a serious website if you truly want to know about being goth.

Oh, and at 11 years old, make sure your parents know what you're up to. I'm sure they can help you with any issues you might have.

Anonymous said...

I am 11 yrs. old and my mom is agaist me being goth. Doyou guys know ay website that I can go to that is like this one. I hav 2 find 12 different websites. Plus other than the slut, and percing part im a total goth.

Amber's Corpse Killer said...

I am only 11 and i want to be a goth and in the summer hols i am die-ing my hair! i also have black lipstick and i love being gothy coz its ace but i want advice on witch colour i should die my hair.

Ambers corpse killer said...

and plz talk to me coz its important.lol.

bob-skittles said...

hi uh i want to be goth so bad. i think the gothic looks and stuff r soo cool.my friend told me tht i am not and i want to. sometimes i try to by dressing in black thts it, am i goth? if not, how can i be??

Twisted Whispers said...

these tips are usefull and bogus!!!!!!!! Goths are noy sluts, they dont have to have piercings, and they DO NOT worship death. if you wanna worship somethig then go be a christian!! other than that its all good.(cool name, huh?)

Twisted Whispers said...

oh and we abide by our morals, they`re just not typical morals. if you wanna know more goth stuff, just ask me

Anonymous said...

can i wear really dark nail polish

Ashlee said...

Oh my gosh, I love this. It's even funnier when people don't get that you're joking. It means you've done a very good job, it going right over their heads.

Ashlee said...

I mean, oh my goth.

Anonymous said...

This is HORRIBLY biased and untrue. Being a goth is about expressing your inner self, how you actually feel about yourself and the world. This is trash. When you're a goth, words like "compulsory" and "mandatory" no longer apply to you. Words like "fuck it, I can do and look how I please" are a huge part of the goth style. 'dye your hair black'? 'colour is not allowed'? BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. I am a goth, and I wear read and purple almost everyday. (not together though :P) Don't listen to this bullshit artist. be who YOU WANT TO BE!

DragonFang said...

It's still funny, even after so many years.

IRONY. It's not what your mom does with your clothes, kids.

Dorcha Aingeal said...

Here is a website for all those people who are goths but either know little or want to know more about it http://www.gothic-charm-school.com/ also being Goth is not just a fashion trend or statement its a lifestyle for those who appreciate the darker side of life.

Anonymous said...

These tips are so stupid and they are offensive to many of us. Goth's ARE NOT SLUTS, THEY DO NOT HAVE TO DIE THEIR HAIR AND HAVE BODY PEIRCINGS! It is totally up to you! I am a ginger and I am a goth, I like to be different so I didn't dye my hair; also coz I would probbabley look like a bad barbie doll ( all barbies are bad) Oh, and yes we talk about death but not like that, we say how we are not scared of it and that when we die we will still live on! Oh and Dorcha Aingeal thanks for the website! ^_^

Alexandriaweb said...

I actually find these goth tips hillarious, the negative ninnies need to grow up already.
I can't get over that Sophie Lancaster comment though, satire didn't kill Sophie, idiots did.
Well done on a very funny piece.

Anonymous said...

Some of your tips are way out of line. Just because I am goth doesnlt mean I'm a slut. I have never known a goth that was like that... ever. And FYI it doesn't have to be all about death. Goths are some of the happiest people I have ever known. Sure we don't smile very much, but we laugh and goof off like everyone else. I think you should pay more attention to what is around you and stop focousing on the sterotypes.I would reccomend reading the Goth Boble by Nancy Kilpatrick.

gothic engine said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

You are trying to tell people how to be a stereo type goth. Goths are creative, intelligent people. And you definitly dont have to be a slut.

Little Demon said...

dude wtf? This is NOT goth. This is teaching peoople who actually want to be part of goth subculture to be the worst poseurs ever. Stop being an idiot and get a life.

Little Demon said...

Oh, and btw, I'm a guy. And I'm goth. And I'm 13. And I know about 30 goths. None of them are sluts. They are all really nice people. If somebody is truly goth they shouldn't just love you if you're a slut. Morals exist in the goth world. This guy has some good tips, but don't change your personality completely.

Anonymous said...

Thanks! I peirced my lip and eyebrow and everyone thinks i am a goth (which i am). I now also have a boyfrien who is a goth too.

Anonymous said...

This is offensive to goths/me " being a goth is about thinking die die die!!!" its not thats just evil minded you should say sorry before you get sent to hell by my friend raven and mystic shadow

Anonymous said...

i like these comments thx

Candlelight Warrior said...

How do I become goth? In my opinion nobody is born goth. Nobody comes out of the womb with perfect black nail-polished nails and perfect black baby lips. However, you simply cannot become gothic overnight. It takes years to discover who you are. What you shouldn't do is force yourself to like something that you just aren't into. For example, if you just don't love black hair but get it just because its goth then you won't truly be happy. If you love blonde hair, then dye it blonde! Who cares if it isn't labeled "goth?" Goth is about being who you are, and having the freedom to express yourself in the darker side of things. Many people when they first are introduced into the subculture refer this time as their "babybat years." Oh, yes we remember this time don't we gothlings? Haha, I can tell you many horrific events of my babybat years including; trashy-ratty neon green hair extensions, risk-AY fishnets & tank tops, poorly applied eyeliner, and many pouty rain-cloud days. But, thank the Lord, this time period only lasted for fifth grade. Yes, every goth has went through there babybat years. Everybody has to start somewhere. But not all babybat years are bad like mine. Some fly through their years like it’s nothing. Some peoples can last for a couple of months, others last years. Anyways, like I said nobody is born goth. Some may notice gothic-related interests at a young age (like sick black t-shirts, vampire fanasty stories, and staring googly-eyed at the black and velvet clad teenagers on the TV screen) but nobody truly understands the gothic subculture intill they actually do research. So if you want to explore the glamerous spooky side of life, then why not do some research on the subculture? Discover who you are and what you’re interested in. Maybe you’re the type to dress in all black, Victorian styled dresses or average black skinny jeans and band tee. Nobody is “more goth” that the next. There is no such thing as “posers.” People who call someone else a “poser” is insecure and need to keep their nose in their own business. However, there are people who are fake, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to put them down. So how do you truly become goth? Simple. Just be yourself. That’s it? That’s all I can tell you, darlings. You like dressing in all black, go for it. Buy a bunch of black clothing; whatever suits your fancy. Paint your nails black, dye your hair, whatever you need to feel comfortable and gothy. Just don’t force yourself into anything that isn’t what you feel right for you. What’s right for me, isn’t always what’s right for you, darling. Just keep your head held high, embrace your inner self, and be who you want to be

Anonymous said...

Thankyou!! Someone who actually understands what being a goth is.

Anonymous said...

oblivious to the obvious fact this is all bull thanks... not to the writer but to the people who commented "thanks or ill follow these tips" your all idiots!

Anonymous said...

If you were goth you wouldn't be asking.