Miss You

Fragile Love

I cannot shake the feeling that I’m losing you. And there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

I have hurt you in the past and even though time has passed, the wounds have not healed. Instead, you said that you could not count on me in the future and that you refuse to make plans for us together on the long term. That I am unpredictable in that sense.

That thought keeps spinning around in my head. How I cannot do anything about the pain, the mental scar, that I’ve given you. No time or love can make that right. Nothing I can do but hope.

It hurts, and frankly it has occupied my thoughts for the last few days. Because I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.

You, whose very presence makes my heart race and my day bright. The fiery bird I love spending lazy weekends with; just watching movies, playing games, cuddling and kissing, having funny conversations with animal noises. My kitten who knows where I’m ticklish, my tigress between the sheets.

I just hope, and pray, that our relationship will last.

Reflections

I have been watching you without words. Perhaps I was too mesmerized by your actions or perhaps I mistook my mere presence as enough, but without realizing it I became part of your background instead of your life.

Why is it that something must happen for me to see those errors? You pointed them out, said I did not respond to your blogs, I did not write about you, for you, anymore.

This is where I try to set it right. To break the cycle of inactivity and silence, of being but a reflection in the water instead of a whole person with whom you can talk and joke and love.

Because I want to be part of your life, sweet spider lady, and not just as a spectator. A participant in your moments of joy, a shoulder to cry on in moments of sorrow, an instigator of warm feelings in you.

I love you, my ladyfriend.

Interesting quotations

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."
- John Lennon

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
- Albert Einstein

"My goal in life is to become as wonderful as my dog thinks I am."
- unknown

"True friends stab you in the front."
- Oscar Wilde

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."
- Swedish proverb

"Without money we'd all be rich."
- unknown

"The future is not what it used to be."
- unknown

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."
- Kurt Cobain

"People change. Now I'm a lamp."
- random idiot

Reflections

The Dragon looked behind, and looked ahead. "What now?" 
The Sea shrugged, and the Sky whispered, "Whatever."

Happy 2013, dear reader. May this year bring you joy and fortune.

When I was very young, I once read an article about a certain Mayan prediction about the end of the world in 2012. Easily frightened, I remembered that date and lived my life according to an idea, however ridiculous, that I would die in 2012.

Of course, common sense caught up with that idea and I knew for certain such a thing would not happen. But still, it was a relief when 2013 came around yesterday. Somehow my childhood fears are stronger than I thought.

Standing on the beach today, I realized that I had not made plans for beyond this moment. Big plans, I mean, like what my life would look like, whether I would have children; stuff like that. Today I realized that I have not looked beyond, and I found myself asking, What's next?

Obviously the sea, nor the sand, nor the clouds, answered. They care not about the choices of one person, and that was somehow comforting.

An overwhelming multitude of choices lays ahead of me. The universe offers, and all I need to do is decide.

Do I want to keep my current job, or go back to school?

Meditate on this, I will.