Doubt

Here I am on my own new year's eve -- tomorrow my age will increase by one -- and I find myself pondering my life, and my relationship in particular.

My love for her is certain, yet doubts have crept inside my head; questions about the state of our alliance. Times have been tough and we have not been easy for one another. Misunderstandings, arguments, on the edge of seperation; I found myself at her mercy, uncertain whether she would want to continue.

When I finally, unwillingly, grudgingly, accepted the finality of our end, she surprised me by claiming she did, after all, want to go on with me. Overjoyed I was -- I am -- but also hurt; hearing her admit that she had, briefly, fallen for someone else. I know I should not feel second-best, but my emotions, once buried deep, can no longer be denied.

I do not blame her, for I was not there for her in the way that she needed me. What concerns me more, though, is that I am unsure whether this rift between us will mend. Certainly our psysical togetherness is beyond pleasurable, but all the copulation in the world cannot heal the hurt or cure the issues we still have.

Does the simple fact of falling for someone else not imply the poor state of our relationship?

Do I have confidence in us to overcome our misunderstandings, our arguments, our very different needs and wants? These issues have not been resolved; perhaps they will not ever be. The question I am asking myself, is whether I have faith that we can work it out.

I have no answers -- not yet, perhaps not for a long time.